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travelcityman 62, Male, California, USA - 3 entries

Feb 2007
12:44 PM PST

Feb 1, 2007 – The beginning of the end. Today I admitted to my partner of 13 years that I have had several affairs. This has been a very long night. It is my intent to start this journal as a healing process for myself. I have never been one to be able to voice my feelings or my thoughts. I now need a place to explain the how’s and why’s of what I did so that I can start sorting it out. I know that I will be judged and I accept that but just because some judges me it does not mean that I will accept that judgment. I am hoping that this will be a healing process for me and if I can in anyway help others by what I write then that is a bonus. For sake of confidentiality through out this journal I will be known as Max and my partner as Pat. These are not are real names. Why did I choose today, three days after our 13 anniversary to admit to Pat that I had strayed? Earlier in the day I had been diagnosed with genital warts. This was one time that I was not going to be able to manipulate the situation and cover my tracks. I knew that the time was up and that I had to own up to what I had done. I had to own it. Thinking back to the first time that I was unfaithful I should have taken the hints that the universe was sending. I should point out that this first time I was not the first time I was unfaithful but just the first time I was in person. There had been many online chat room meetings which I will discuss at a later time. It was in our 4th or 5th year together and my Pat had made plans to go assist a fellow worker with shopping for home furnishings. This venture out was very rare for him. He has never been one to go out boldly by himself. A very shy person who is deathly afraid of rejection in any form, he is paralyzed by the thought of even the thought of asking. Plans had been made and I encouraged him to go. The reason was I wanted him to go out and experience what it was like to do things without me. But in thinking back I am sure that I had in the back of my head what I wanted to do. I had been researching porn bookstores in the area and found one that had video booths. As I set him on his way I knew in my mind what I was going to do and without regard to him or myself I did it. I drove to the video store and I entered. It took a few moments to figure out what the unspoken protocol was. After cashing in dollars for tokens I headed to the back. I soon found myself in a booth with another person. A young Mexican who invited me in to share his booth and I excitedly had unprotected sex with. I was the receiver and he was the giver. I was amazed at myself that once it was done there was no feeling of guilt as I thought there would be. I was able to greet Pat at the door and ask how his day was and never let on what I had done. Two weeks to the day while relieving myself I noticed a slight burning sensation at first. Panic set in. What was I going to do? How was I going to fix this with out anyone finding out? At the end of our street was a health clinic. I had some extra time so I made arrangements to take the afternoon off. This was hard because both Pat and I worked for the same small company. But I was able to. I was examined. I was told that most likely it was gonorrhea. A test was done but I also was given a pre scription for antibiotic that I was to take for 7 days. I went home and started taking the medication right away. I had to do some manipulating of our sex life as I did not want Pat to catch anything. Each and every time he mentioned an ache or pain, which was and still is often, I panicked inside. My outward composure was flawless. After the 7 days the medication was complete I was cured and I was able not to pass this along to Pat. If I had listened to the universe telling me that if you do this type of activity then there are consequences. I did not listen.

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jazzsoulp 40, Female, Rhode Island, USA - 32 entries

Feb 2007
3:30 PM EST

feel heavy...Like...you know, like when your heart first got broken, or you lost something very precious....I'm writing about it but will publish it elsewhere. Will it be safe in a public journal? I tried speaking to my mum all day, but to no avail...I went home...Durham to pack and clean up and return my keys. I owe a hundred dollar fine for a ticket, I got picks and brand new strings for my guitar...yayyy!!!...D-K dint call...I guess it's not a Thursday thing with him afterall...I realise that I am breakable and I dont want to relive the feeling. I'm trying to be stronger but how can you give all to love but act cautiously at the same time..theres no such thing...It's all or nothing I say, I Live for all or nothing at all. I saw SMOKING ACES...Best movie i've seen in a while after dream girls. I'm going to take some Nyquil now....*I am in a state of ramble*................................................. ....................................................... B EAUTIFUL!!! He tries harder everytime and I push further away. You let me go when you chose to Love and want my pity all together because Love didn't want you back...Shame...A replacement I can never be but u punish our friendship or what is left of...What is left of you? The last shred of your dignity was washed up with melted snow, yet you stand like a Lion but I see the little broken boy when I see you...I see the truth when I see you and am saddened because you were the Epitomy of Strength and you're so broken. And i get on my knees now and ask our maker to heal your crippled heart. When last did you see a fool cry and beg and accept being rejected and remain subjected to the torture of letting go of Love because Love wouldn't give you the time of day. It breaks my heart.

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bkschicha 37, Female, New York, USA - 5 entries

Feb 2007
3:06 PM EST

Times of great calamity and confusion have been productive for the greatest minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace. The brightest thunder-bolt is elicited from the darkest storm. -Charles Caleb Colton

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questioningeverything 38, Female, California, USA - 16 entries

Feb 2007
11:37 AM PST

So the semester is underway. I have thousands of things to do but am too tired to really do anything at all. I think my schedule is going to kill me but we will see next week. There is nothing much I can do about it how. I hope that I am able to get through everthing. I have a lot less writing to do than in past semesters and instead there is a lot riding on my tests. That scares the shit out of me because I am not so good at tests. School sometimes seems so useless. I am on duty tonight which sucks. It is cold outside and I don't want to go on rounds. I am a negative mood for some reason. I think it is because I feel like my friend is dependent on me but won't admit it but the second she finds something else to do she is there. That made it sound a lot worse than it actually is. But the problem is that she gets really annoyed by her roommate when she thinks she is part of a group of friends. The reality is that she hangs out with all of the friends that I have made (who are hers now) but they are all I have in comparison to the fact that she has other groups of friends which I cannot gain access to. Okay well now that I sound like a bitch, I am going to stop now.

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Trace 61, Female, California, USA - 38 entries

Feb 2007
2:24 PM EDT

Since the last entry, my brother went home from the hospital, but now he is back in again! He is very very weak. His legs are swelling. His doctor is saying that it is just a matter of time...he does not have long at all. He can't even talk to me on the phone. I need to get there to see him but I don't have the money to do so right now. I hope by the time I do, it will not be too late.

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MariPanda 31, Female, Nevada, USA - 17 entries

Feb 2007
11:44 AM PDT

Boys are stupid!!!!!
Well....most of them. Why do they enjoy messing with our feelings? It hurts, obviously. Gosh, they are so....frustrating!!
-growls-
For example, you like a guy, right? And, you're wondering if he likes you back. He gives you hints, then cuts you off later in the day, and when you're getting out of 7th period, he's giving hints again! Back and forth, all the FREAKIN' time! That's why I'm thinking about swearing off my boys until the appropriate time. (Hmm..thinking about it) Why can't they just pluck up the courage and go up to us? Oh, right, they have feelings too? Sure they do, but they don't seem like it. I know I'm not making sense here. That's what happens when I freak. Aaaaaahhhhh! I can't type anymore. Maybe later.

I know you think I'm weird. =)

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2 comment(s) - 08:38 PM - 02/01/2007

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elfeganmegan 42, Female, Minnesota, USA - First entry!

Feb 2007
1:37 AM CST

So... its the first day of my diet. So far, I have taken 2 diet pills... yay for me, I'm off to a pretty ok start. I felt kinda queasy after the first one, probably because my body wasn't so used to it. So I ate something small and I felt better. At lunch I had a slice... ONLY ONE... of left over pizza from yesterday. Tasty! I have yet to take the last and final pill for today, and its 630 pm. Great! Oh well, I shouldn't be too hyped up tonight.. I feel pretty mellow so things should be alright! I don't have a scale so I don't know my starting weight. I could go for pants size though... how about 15/16. There, now my goal is 7/8 so I have a ways to go! Alright well its time for me to leave my work and go home to work out! yippee!

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xxwolfxrosexx 33, Female, Hawaii, USA - 2 entries

Feb 2007
1:19 PM EDT

hey everyone who reads this plz add me to ur friends list cuz im new here and need frineds.=) xxwolfxrosexx

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1 comment(s) - 08:35 PM - 02/01/2007

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akuma131 36, Male, California, USA - 3 entries

Feb 2007
10:06 AM EDT

kk? if u do ill get back 2 you cuz i check my yahoo more often than i can my gaia

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chelsealynn15 34, Female, Maine, USA - 3 entries

Feb 2007
9:17 AM EDT

Today was an ok day, it went by really fast! Sometimes i wish that the day wouldnt just go by as if life was a movie, in fast forward, but then again there are moments where you wish it would play in slow motion. Ha you cant win both ways. I went with my friend yesterday to talk to a consulor and the woman says that im depressed and that i need to find ways to try to get my mind off all the negative things that are happening in my life.. i think writting in my journal is the only way other then drawing. My mom signed me up for a tutor in Bangor and it's 134$ for an assessment to see what i need help in and then 45$ an hour after that! i wasnt about to have my mom pay that much but if that means getting an aducation that i can actually use later on in life and possibly in college then OK. I think im going to go and get my hair cut tonight or possibly tomarrow either or.. i cant wait im going to get blonde on the top and blackish brown ( my hair color know ) underneath. haha yesterday we had a basketball game in howland and we went into overtime twice! we lost though by one point, i played the whole game except for 1 minuite... i was so exhausted that my leg when i went to stand up crampted up and i couldnt even walk! i was so mad that i go taken out of the game.. i wanted to beat the crap out of the girl who was tripping and hitting and smacking (trying) me around! i was pissed. i guess this journal is good for know i'll prob. write tomarrow.. wish me luck on tomarrow's game!!!! .-.Chelsea-Lynn.-.

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2 comment(s) - 06:54 AM - 02/02/2007

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